Chapter 13: Good Grief

Denial- Not Just a River in Egypt

Mark’s death came as a shock to us all. He was only 25 and he was our Superman. Like Superman Mark had his own never-ending battle, only his was with diabetes. While he’d experienced some close calls- even Superman “died” once- he always bounced back and fought on. While there are several “world without a Superman” comics floating around out there, I’d never imagined I would be forced to live in one.

Mark’s blood sugar had dropped a few days earlier and he’d had an episode where he zonked out at work. It took them almost an hour to find him, but by then he’d eaten a candy bar and drank a soda and he was coming back to himself. The experience shook him, but like always, he seemed to have bounced back. He had been low on insulin. Had I known I would have made sure he got what he needed. I was led to believe that he had, but that was Mark. He never wanted people to worry about him.

I’m pretty sure I was the last person to speak to him before he died. He’d called me around midnight, just before he went to bed like he always did. He’d had a really crappy day. He hated his job. His truck, which he had just gotten back from the shop earlier that day, died on him again on his way home. He was just generally not in a good mood. I tried to cheer him up a bit, but after our usual banter back and forth he told me he was tired and wanted to turn in a bit early and get some sleep.

I wish I could go back to that night. There are so many things I wish that I’d said to him. I loved him. He was my brother. He’d saved my life in more ways than I can adequately express here. He kept me going during a time in my life when I felt like I had nothing to live for. He kept me sane. The next morning when I got up I shot him a text. It was a simple, two-word phrase that we sent each other daily; our own little mantra to help get us through the day- Carry On. He never got to see it.

I was working on something for work when I got two messages on facebook. The first was from his sister with a simple one word subject- Mark. In it she asked that I give her a call because it was important. I’d recently changed phones so she didn’t have my new number and the investigators, I found out later, had taken Mark’s cell. The next message was from Shawn, a mutual friend, also titled Mark. He told me how sorry he was and how shocked, and if I needed to talk to feel free to call him.

Understandably at this point I started to freak a bit. I called Mark’s sister but got voicemail. I called Shawn and asked what the hell was going on and he told me. I don’t think I’m a good enough writer to be able to really describe just how I felt at the moment. It’s like my body was being electrocuted. My mind just stopped and all I could say was “Holy s#*t! It’s not true.” I’d just talked to him. There was no way he died. It just didn’t happen. Someone made a mistake. Maybe he was in the hospital. Maybe it was all just a sick joke. He wasn’t dead. He couldn’t die- he was Superman.

Anger- Bulk Smash

I lived in the “anger” stage of grief for a long time. In fact, I still visit it from time to time just to see how it’s doing. I was angry at everything and everyone. I was angry at Mark’s family for the Hell they’d put him through all his life. I was angry at God for letting such a good man suffer. I was angry at Mark for leaving me- after all, I was supposed to go first. I was angry at myself for not being able to save him.

There’s so much more I could write here- so much more I could go into. Perhaps I will at some point, but it’s still too fresh for me. Like I said, I still visit from time to time.

Bargaining- Throw in a Side of Guilt and You’ve Got Yourself a Deal!

I think Shawn and I have approached this stage of grief in a rather unique way. This is usually a stage that is usually experienced the most by people who are the one’s about to die. They want to bargain for more time. For those doing the grieving for a lost one it tends to be glossed over. After all, there’s nothing to really bargain for. The person you love is already gone. Well, when you a couple of creative types, we get creative with our grief. Our way of bargaining for more time was to do what we do (arguably) best- make him live through our work.

I made a promise to myself and to all the rest of his family that I would see every project that Mark helped to create, even the ones that were just in the idea stage, finished. Shawn and a few of his other friends all agreed to help. We figured we may not be able to buy our friend more time in life, but we could help him to live on through his creations. Mark was a special person in more ways than one. He really was a genius, creatively and intellectually. He never gave himself enough credit. He deserves to survive more than just in the hearts of his friends and family. Others should be given the chance to know the man we all loved, even if it’s just through his ideas. He deserved a legacy, so we’re going to give him one.

I finished Mark’s edit of Chosen and our friend Sharon is currently working on editing it for us. Eventually I’ll start working on the next two, but I’m just not ready to even attempt that yet. Shawn and I have started working together on several comic projects that Mark helped to map out and always loved, one of which has morphed into a tribute to Mark himself. While we could never take the place of Mark creatively, I know that Mark would be happy to know that two of his closest friends have found that they can work well together.

Depression- “Oh Dear, Bird.”

I’ve become something like Eeyore the last couple of months. It’s hard to not just mope around and generally feel crappy about the word in general and my life in particular. I talked to Mark several times a day, text wise, and we talked for at least an hour a night. He was the one I could vent with and talk about problems or things that are bothering me. He’d do the same. It was Superman and Batman- the World’s Finest in ranting. I’ve always struggled with depression anyway but not having my hetero-lifemate (bonus points if you catch the reference) there to help share the burden has made it even more difficult.

It’s funny what can set things off for you when you’re dealing with loss. There isn’t a single TV show I watch, movie I love, or book/comic I read that Mark didn’t love or introduce me to. We shared everything, geeked out about everything. Even so, there are certain things that just tend to trigger depression for me out of nowhere. I’ll be fine one minute then I’ll see or read something that reminds me of Mark and BAM. That’s the funny thing- it’s like playing emotional roulette. Sometimes the stuff that reminds me of him just makes me smile and laugh about good times we had or funny things we said about that particular thing and it’s okay. But every once in a while the bullet goes through my brainpan and I’m an emotional mess for the rest of the night.

Acceptance- Time to Shuffle Up and Deal

I don’t think anyone ever just goes through these five stages in an orderly succession. I know for me personally I’ll be here at the final stage some days and others I’m back to Anger or Depression. I know that over time it’ll get easier. I’ll never stop missing him, but in the times that I’m chilling in the Acceptance stage I’m content in knowing that he really is in a better place. Cliché or not, if anyone deserved a rest it was Mark. He earned his pension. I also firmly believe that he’s still alive in more ways than just in our hearts or in the things he helped to create, but in a very real, very spiritual sense. I can almost sense him with me sometimes. I can almost hear him laugh at things I find funny. I know that I’ll see my brother again, and that we’ll spend the first few decades of eternity geeking out about all the nerdy stuff that we always did. I’m looking forward to that. But until then I’m going to honor my brother by living by our mantra. I’m going to carry on.

Chapter 12: The Incredible Bulk

I’m Getting Hungry. You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Hungry…

Hello there campers. It’s been a while since I’ve written one of these and while I’ve been meaning to get back to it, those who know me and what’s been happening lately likely understand why I haven’t until now. I’m happy to report that your portly hero has found himself a job.

I came to Granite City, IL in October to visit my grandparents and celebrate their 50^th wedding anniversary. One night after talking with my Grandma about my situation in life, I felt a nudge to look around for local jobs here. Sure enough there was an opening for the Salvation Army in Belleville, IL, and what they were looking for was darn near exactly the kinds of experience I brought to the table. So I shot off a short e-mail with my resume and to my astonishment got a call the next morning. Long story short- I got the job. True to form, my first day on the job was the first day of the notorious Red Kettle season, and thus my life became 14 hour a day shifts of hanging at the office and counting kettle money for a few months.

I can’t describe how nice it was to have a job to get up and go to every day. Sure the hours were rough, but I loved every minute of it because I felt like I was actually doing something with my life again. Of course, with all life’s ups there come the downs.

The Death of a Superman

I’ve mentioned Mark quite a few times here. He’s been one of my best friends for ten years and my co-writer for no less than six writing projects- including my first novel. He’s also the reason I even started writing Down with the Thickness. This was his idea and he talked me into doing it. Mark lived in Dillsburg, PA so our relationship, which we considered to be like brothers, was a long distance one. On January 7^th I got a message from one of our now mutual friends, Shawn, and Mark’s sister that Mark had passed away due to complications with his diabetes.  I don’t think we ever got a direct explanation, but the going theory was Mark’s blood sugar dropped fatally low during the night and his heart stopped.

Needless to say, this came as a complete shock- a shock I’m still reeling from. I’d just talked to Mark minutes before he went to bed the night before, and had I known that it was the last time I’d get to talk to him, there are so many things I would have liked to have said. They’re all things he knew. He knew I loved him. He knew what an inspiration he’d been to me. He knew that if it hadn’t been for him I’d have given up on life a long time ago. He was my brother. He knew that. It was all things we’d said before, but it’s still things I would have liked to have said again, just once, before he was taken from us all, especially given how hard life had been treating him…well all his life but particularly in recent months.

My cousin Jennifer and I drove up to PA for his memorial service. It was a pretty surreal experience all around not just because of the suddenness of it all, but because I found myself surrounded by a lot of people I’d been hearing about for over a decade, but had never met before in my life- and they all knew me too. I wish to God that Mark could have been there for his service and heard the things that everyone said about him. Mark was such a humble person that he never really knew, nor accepted, that he impacted everyone round him. He never realized just how profound an affect he’d had on so many people. Mark was a shining example of the man I strive to be each day. He was far from perfect, as we all are, but even with his faults Mark was the very personification of compassion and love. I’m saddened that he never really realized just how special a person he was regardless of how often he may have heard it from me and others that were close to him. He was our Superman, and he made me believe.

Up, Up, and Away!

Mark’s death has hit everyone who knew him extremely hard, but it’s also inspired us. I, and his other close friends and partners in creative crime, have vowed to continue to not only create, but to produce every project that Mark had some hand in plotting out. Though he never had the chance to have a family of his own, his legacy will be a literary one. We’ve all teamed together to help each other produce these projects. Each will bear his name in the credits, as well they should, and each will live on, forever immortalizing the thoughts and ideas of a true genius who was taken from us far too early.

I find myself at odds. On the one hand I’m…well, words can’t really describe how I feel about Mark’s passing. I was closer to him than just about anyone else on this planet, and so much of my daily life and work involved him in some capacity. To face moving forward without his continued presence, especially when it comes to Chosen and our other projects, is a daunting, and quite frankly depressing task. On the other hand, I find myself strangely at peace with it in many ways. Knowing that Mark is finally at peace after a life of such hardship as he had to endure makes a part of myself- the unselfish part- happy for him. I know in death he’s found a sense of peace, and I believe joy, that he could never really find in life. The worries he had while alive have been since taken care of after his death. It’s hard to not feel a small amount of bitterness at that- that it took his death for those issues which I won’t go into detail about here to be taken care of, as opposed to them being taken care of while he was still here, and while he still had a chance to have a life of his own.

Anyway, as with other projects that have been tabled the last few months, I’m back and determined to continue Down with the Thickness for as long as I feel I can share anything of worth. Keep an eye on Authentic Entertainment as well, as I’ll do my best to give updates on projects, etc. there. I appreciate your support, and as always feel free to leave comments in the comments section below.

Chapter 11: Faith is More Than a George Michael Song

Ignorance is Bliss?

I’m really sick of religion of any kind insinuating that if you don’t blindly believe what they tell you at face value then you don’t have faith. This, of course, is not faith it’s willful ignorance. It’s much easier to just believe what everyone else does- to go with the flow- than to actually think for yourself and ask questions. I’m speaking mainly about Christianity here because, being a licensed minister and having devoted over twelve years of my life in service to God, Christianity is where I have my experience and educational background and is the primary religion that continues to make me sick to my stomach.

For those of you who feel the need to spread the gospel: I applaud your enthusiasm and I would never want to say or do anything that would dissuade you from getting to know God better or to feel comfortable talking about God with other people. That said, please for your sake, for the sake of everyone you’ll talk to, and for God’s sake most of all be sure you know what you’re talking about. I don’t mean being able to quote the bible word for word or being able to regurgitate every sermon you’ve ever heard. I mean know what you’re talking about.

If you’re going to quote the bible know the context behind what you’re talking about to make sure you’re not misquoting or giving meaning to a passage that wasn’t intended (which is what pastor’s all over the place do every week). Study the background of things, know your history, know why you believe what you believe because these people that you’re bashing over the head with your faith are going to be wondering these things, and if you can’t answer or if you give some sort of bumper sticker response you’ll automatically lose all credibility with them; not only for yourself but for anyone who may come along after you. The sad fact is most Christians trying to spread the message are doing more harm than good out of zealous ignorance, and quite frankly I’m really tired of having to pay for other ignorant people’s mistakes and go behind to clean up the mess they’ve made.

God Gave You a Brain, Dust it Off and Use It

You believe that the Bible is the infallible Word of God? You believe everything that happened in the Bible happened in real life? You believe God wrote it word for word by “inspiring” the writer? Okay, if so, why?

“Well….because that’s what I’ve always been taught!” isn’t a good answer.

Do you know how the books of the Bible got to be canonized? Do you think the Apostles and Jesus got together over some nachos and came up with a decision? Nope. It was a bunch of old white men who were considered the most “ important Roman Catholic councils” originally got together by the command of the Pope and held the Council of Trent, where they decided in their infinite holy wisdom which books were canonical scripture, which books were just mostly canonical, and which were just straight out like something out of a Monty Python sketch. (“Help! Help! I’m being repressed!”) Of course there were other little sessions like this that took place before, but apparently the list decided by those groups needed to be reaffirmed even though a Pope at the time had confirmed the previous versions.

Of course, after the protestant reformation they did it again, and decided that there were a lot of books included in the original canonical Old Testament that wasn’t really canonical, so they threw them out. Hence the reason why the Catholic Bible has a few extra Old Testament books in it than a protestant one. So who’s right? Who’s more “holy and wise” when it comes to deciding which are really the Word of God?

Do you know why they were chosen when other books, written by the same people at the same time, were not? There’s a LOT of them and I’ll give you a hint- a lot of the time it was more for political reasons than spiritual. God forbid if something in a piece of scripture makes a specific group look bad. Don’t believe me? Do some research. Take some classes. You’ll find out real quick how things were done.

I’ve been lucky in that I’ve had some really great teachers over the years. One of my Old Testament professors at Lee University actually worked on the translation of the Dead Sea Scrolls and he’s the one that really turned me onto the truth about a lot of this stuff. I enjoyed his classes so much that I volunteered to take a test run of one of his graduate level classes when I was a sophomore where he taught about all those apocryphal (non-canon books) and I could read them for myself. The class was so difficult I almost didn’t pass, but it was worth it. I still have my copies of all the notes and books.

If the word of God is infallible then how can you explain the inconsistencies in the Bible and contradictions of events and facts- of which there are quite a few? Just do a search on Google and you’ll find tons of websites that will point them out complete with links to the biblical texts so you can read for yourself. Most churches, if not saying it outright they certainly imply that asking these types of questions are not good. Most of the time, when you ask a question like this, they stammer and throw out some line like “because we have faith!” which generally translates to: “We don’t know for sure but if we question it we’re afraid that things might not be the way we’ve always believed.” The more educated will answer you but when coming against one of those inconstancies will still spin some sort of faith-based answer to explain it away without actually having to admit that in this case infallible doesn’t really mean what they want to think it means. Now let me be clear- not all do this. Some will admit that, yes, there are some issues, and yes, the Bible isn’t infallible in scientific matters or little details, but the spiritual lessons contained within are. I can respect that point of view, but it’s something that everyone, individually, has to decide for his or herself.

Guys, it’s not faith to blindly believe these things without educating yourself about them. It takes less faith to just say “because it’s the Word of God and that automatically makes it true” than to actually do some digging and answer these questions for yourself. Honestly, once you find out the answers- once you find out the history behind things and realize that they aren’t exactly the way you’ve been lead to believe, it takes a heck of a lot more faith to deal with that.

It takes faith to continue to look at the Bible and hear God speak to you through it when you know that the books were put there by a group of people that voted- and many times books made it in or were discarded for political reasons. It takes faith to continue to pay attention to a sermon where the pastor is misquoting scripture, and you know this because you actually know the background and context of the passage. It takes faith to believe that God will still speak to those people and reveal some truth to them through the speaker’s fallibility.

It takes faith to look at inconsistencies within the Bible itself, with one passage in one book saying one thing and another book, speaking of the same event, says something different. It takes faith to understand and finally accept that this holy book was written by men, and while it may have been inspired by God, that doesn’t mean that those men didn’t make mistakes. It takes faith to realize that your personal relationship with God is more important than any of the other stuff, because it’s real and it’s also something that you can’t see. It takes faith to trust that God is still there and even gives a crap about any of this. It takes faith to ask the questions in the first place and to seek the truth rather than just going with the flow.

But hey, don’t take my word for any of this on faith, find out for yourself.

Chapter 10: Lean on Me

You Say That the World Doesn’t Need a Savior, But Everyday I Still Poo in a Bucket

I hate not being in control. I never drink heavily or take medication unless I really have to just because I don’t like feeling like I’m not in control of my own body. I guess you could say I have control issues. I may not be nearly as bad as some other people I’ve known, but it’s still there. I hate having to rely on people even more, yet I continuously find myself in a position where I have to do that very thing.

I’ve previously mentioned the accident I had two years ago but for those of you with the memory of an Alzheimer’s patient: I was carrying a load of laundry to my car around one o’clock in the morning from my friend’s place when I tripped and sprained my right ankle pretty bad. No big deal, right? Well, as I was falling I also managed to dislocate and break my left ankle in three places because I’m just that multi-talented. The surgeon that performed the surgery and implanted the foot-long metal plate that causes me to be strip searched at airports into my leg said that in over thirty years of being a doctor he’d only seen one other injury that bad, and that had been a football injury. So if anyone asks I tell them I broke it saving a kid from a runaway bus. That sounds more impressive than “football injury” or “carrying laundry”.

The result of the accident was I couldn’t put any weight on it at all and was basically bed ridden for four months. After two weeks in the hospital I had to move out of my apartment, leave my job, and move from Chattanooga to my parent’s house in Memphis. Now, for most independent adults having to move back in with their parents when they’re used to living on their own would be bad enough. For me, I got to live on a bed-island in my parent’s living room because the other rooms of the house were too small and the wheelchair I had to use was too big to fit through the doorframes. That’s right folks, for four months I got to poo in a bucket in the middle of my parent’s living room. There aren’t too many people, besides binge drinking teens, that can make such a claim.

To my parents credit, and my eternal thanks, they did all they could to make the horrible situation as comfortable as they could. They completely moved around everything in the living room so that my bed was in the center and I could see the TV. My dad set up my computer to the right of my bed- complete with internet connection so I could surf the web, talk to friends, and do any number of geeky things to keep myself entertained. They had the equivalent of a 26 year old sumo-baby that they had to feed, clean up (the aforementioned poo in a bucket), and basically wait on hand and foot because I couldn’t do anything myself- and they never complained or made me feel worse about my situation than I already did.

I worked hard at rehab and actually surprised all my doctors by being ready to go back to Chattanooga in four months as opposed to the 6 months- a year that they’d predicted. Unfortunately for me, not a year later the church I worked for laid off the entire staff and I found myself back in Memphis with my parents- this time with two hyperactive kittens in tow. On the plus side, all three of us are able to use our given restroom facilities as opposed to a bucket. Hey, you have to look at the bright side of things.

Come Together, Right Now

With this current generation there’s this stigma about living with family after a certain age- like you’ve become a failure at life if you’re not out in your own apartment filled with IKEA merchandise. Not so long ago it was the norm for the kids to live with their parents until they got married, with everyone helping to contribute to the household. With cost of living on the rise (it is ridiculously expensive to live on your own without at least a roommate) and our country experiencing the worst recession since the Great Depression a lot of families are going back to the “old way” of doing things with the young adults going back to the nest so that everyone conserves financial resources.

One of my best friends and I were talking about this very subject not more than a month ago. He, his wife, and their newborn baby had moved out of their previous place and into his parent’s house to help everyone save money. So instead of two households struggling they came together and were able to make things work a little better. My friend was able to get some stuff paid off and get ahead a little bit to the point where they were able to buy their first house. I’m happy to report that by the time everything was said and done they actually came out on top and almost completely out of debt.

There’s nothing wrong with relying on friends and family for common purposes. We all need help every now and then, and in hard times like we’re facing now there’s no shame in banding together and trying to help each other out. There’s strength in numbers, as the old saying goes.

It’s a lesson that I’ve had hammered into me quite a bit the last few years. For a long time I felt depressed and ashamed at the position I’d found myself in, but it wasn’t until I had a conversation with my grandma the other night that made me realize how wrong I’d been about the whole thing. She listed a lot of things I’ve done or helped with over the last year that has helped my parents out or things that they might not have been able to do without me. She reminded me that in times like these it’s not always about money. It’s about love, support, and being there for each other in all areas, not just financially. We all have things we can contribute to make a family stronger and to make the lives of everyone a little easier and less stressful. The key is to focus on what you’re able to contribute as opposed to worrying about what you can’t.

“The Chosen Project” for the Red Cross

My friend Mark and I are doing a new project to raise money for the Red cross, and I’d appreciate it if you could check out this link and find out more about it.

Chapter 9: I Like Thick Butts and I Cannot Lie

The Summer of George!

When you’re on the thicker side you tend to fall somewhere between two extremes when it comes to relationships and choosing a perspective mate: the “as long as they have a pulse and most of their teeth” side, or the “I overcompensate by only going after people that are way out of my attractiveness price range” side. For the first, the person in question tends to have such a low sense of self-worth that their standards when it comes to choosing a significant other are sufficiently lowered to match. This isn’t just in the case of how attractive the perspective mate is, but also takes into effect their personality and how they may treat their partner. This can often lead to a very unfulfilling, and abusive, relationship. When you’re afraid that you’ll be alone for the rest of your life it’s amazing how much crap you’re willing to put up with from someone who shows you attention.

The flip side of that coin is what I like to call “George Costanza Syndrome”. Anyone who’s seen Seinfeld knows what I’m talking about, but for those who haven’t: Jason Alexander plays the character of George Costanza- a nerotic, picky, often abrasive man who’s short, balding, and pudgy. He’s not exactly a looker, yet his taste in women is consistently “out of his league” and because it’s a TV show these women actually date him, despite the fact that he doesn’t even have a decent personality going for him. The thing is the guy is pretty much a jerk- and a picky jerk at that. He, like everyone on the show, manages to find faults, generally very shallow ones, about everyone he dates. I’ve known people like this too, and more often than not it’s people who really don’t have a lot of room to be that picky…no pun intended.

It’s a Perspective Thing

Most of us tend to fall somewhere in between these two extremes. We all have what we consider to be our “type” or standards, but I’ve found that as I’ve grown older that the things I used to hold in such high regard aren’t nearly as important in the grand scheme of things. They say that men tend to be more visually focused; therefore physical attractiveness is more important to them. Women tend to operate more from the heart and head, so physical attractiveness doesn’t means as much compared to personality, sense of humor, intellect, etc. I can’t speak for all the thick guys out there, but it’s been my own experience that physical attractiveness doesn’t mean as much to me anymore. Well, that’s not entirely true. I think it has more to do with the other factors changing my perspective. Allow me to expound.

The last few years I’ve found that women I’ve met that I didn’t initially find all that attractive at first tended to appear more attractive to me (or less) as I’ve gotten to know them. Their other traits, such as personality, color my perspective and actually enhance or detract from how I perceive them physically. I’ve know girls that were on the thick side, like myself, and weren’t exactly model material that I’ve found to be more attractive than some girls that most guys would consider knockouts. Why? Those “gorgeous” women often had the personality of a brick wall and an intellect to match. After a while I didn’t even consider them physically attractive anymore. They didn’t “do it” for me.

This is probably the part where many of you are snickering that I’m “getting in touch with my feminine side”, which probably isn’t too far from the truth. I’m sure there are a lot of psychological explanations I could throw out at you right now, but to be honest I’m far too lazy and I like my way of describing it better. I like to think of it as learning to see the other person the way they’re meant to be seen- where physicality, personality, and all the other things that collectively make you you comes together in a more profound way. To put a spiritual spin on it, I like to think that in a lot of ways it’s learning to see with an open mind and heart- the way that God might see us. We begin to see the beauty that’s on the inside, and it manifests itself to us on the outside.

I’m Settling?

I think it’s easier for thick guys like me to get to the point where they’re able to start seeing women for what they are as opposed to how they look on the outside just because of our own experiences with being judged by how we look and being self conscious. Some people would call it “settling”, meaning that because of our own issues we’re willing to drop our standards because we’re not attractive enough to land a “hottie”.

While I’d be naive to say that isn’t true on a more superficial level, I think in the end we’re better off for it. Looks really aren’t everything. In fact, on the list of potential priorities it’s not even at the top of the list. I’ve mentioned before that being physically attracted to a potential mate is important, and it is, but it’s even more important to like that person for the more substantial things they bring to the table. Let’s face it, you’re not going to stay young and supple forever. What makes a lasting relationship has more to do with what’s on the inside.

For example, I was watching an investigative report a while back that was looking at spouses that cheat on their husbands or wives. Most people tend to assume that when people cheat they’re doing it with someone better looking, younger, or whatever. In reality, in the case of most men, they end up having an affair with someone on the same general level as their wives or even less physically attractive. Most of the men surveyed said that they cheated not just for the sex, but because the person they were cheating with was providing for them in other areas that their wives weren’t. Often it had more to do with personality, supportiveness, and positive attention as opposed to looks.

I Think, Therefore I Overcomplicate Everything

It feels like when it comes to relationships the hardest part is getting past making things far more complicated than they have to be. The largest culprit is over-thinking things. I know personally I have this tendency to be waaaaay over-analytical. Things are going good as I’m getting to know someone but then I start to look at really stupid stuff and freak out. “But she doesn’t like to do _. Will that be a problem?”

The fact of the matter is the more important thing is how you feel when you’re around that person. Do you have fun? Do you get along? Can you talk to each other, trust each other, be as goofy around them as you are when you’re by yourself and no one’s looking? Those are important. There’s no such thing as a perfect match. To be honest, I’ve observed that the couples that have too much in common often end up getting into trouble. If you do EVERYTHING together it’s really easy to become co-dependant and feel suffocated. Likewise, if the person is too much like you personality wise it’s easy to get into problems. After all, a lot of the time the things we dislike about other people tend to be reflections of the things we dislike about ourselves.

Having like interests is important, but it’s just as important to have the things that are just for you or that you do with friends. Everyone needs space. Everyone has a need to feel like they have stuff that’s just for them that they can turn to for a little “me” time. It all comes back to that magic word: balance. A balanced relationship is a healthy relationship. So when you’re out shopping for Mr. or Mrs. Right, keep in mind that it’s not all about looks, them being perfect, or a carbon copy. It’s more about getting to know someone and liking them for who they are. If you both can do that, then chances are you’ve stumbled upon something special.

No New Chapter This Week and Other Stuff

Sorry cats and kittens but I’m finishing up two classes this week and that means research and papers! I’ll pick back up with a regular posting schedule starting next week, I promise. Think of this as an opportunity to catch up (if you haven’t already). Also, I’d like some suggestions on topics that you might want to see me cover, so if you have any feel free to just comment here or drop me an e-mail. Until next week, stay thick!

Chapter 8: Being P.C. is Politically Craptacular

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Political correctness has taken over this little society of ours. It began with the intent of showing respect to the vast diversity of cultures that are in this melting pot of a country we live in. What it’s become is less about respect and more about a heavy-handed attempt to make everyone conform to what is socially popular at the time. Freedom of speech has become “freedom to say what is considered acceptable by the popular majority”. God forbid you have a differing opinion than whatever is being thrown around by politicians and the media this week, or if you phrase such an opinion in a way that doesn’t sound like it’s been written by a political speech writer. It’s mob mentality at its worst and instead of aiding in relations between differing cultures and lifestyles it’s just in making things worse. Respect is all-inclusive, and doing anything that “respects” one group of people while at the same time alienating or degrading another just isn’t productive.

Respect comes from understanding and understanding is a two-way street. While we should all try to see things from another person’s perspective before we open our big fat mouths, it’s just as important for those people to do the same. We’ve become so hypersensitive and quick to take offense at everything. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve watched the news just in the last few weeks and have been disgusted at how often something someone has said has been taken out of context and made into a much bigger deal than it ever should have been. It’s not about the intent of what we say anymore- because that would mean we would actually have to listen to what people are saying and then think. *GASP!*

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be polite or sensitive to other people. I’m not saying you should go out of your way to be a jerk. I’m saying we should all chill the freak out and start using a little common sense instead of being so quick to assume the worst. You shouldn’t have to feel like you need a lawyer at your side 24/7 just to have a conversation.

On Equality

I think it’s great to have a healthy respect about your culture, where you come from, your heritage. Likewise, I think one of the greatest things about this country is that when you have an open mind you can learn and experience a lot about other cultures. I’ve been lucky in that over the course of my life thus far I’ve been close friends with many people of many different nationalities and I’ve gotten to experience first-hand some of their customs, their food, their languages, etc. I’ve always taken away a lot from the experiences, including a larger respect for the cultures involved. That said, it annoys me to no end that instead of focusing on the things that should unite us as a nation- the things that as human beings we all have in common- we’re so caught up in focusing on our differences. Race relations in this country suck, and it’s everyone’s fault.

Personally, as a middle class white male, I get tired of feeling like I’m guilty of being my ethnicity. I’ve never “oppressed” anyone. I’ve never disliked someone just because of the color of their skin or the culture that they’re from. Yet I’ve constantly run into this attitude like I’m the enemy. When I was working for my previous church, which as I’ve mentioned before was predominantly African American, I felt like there was this sense of anticipation from a lot of people (not all, by any means)- like they were being nice to me as long as I was being nice to them, but they were just waiting for me to slip up. Because we all know that it’s not possible to be white without being racist, right? Of course, that’s not even counting the people that treated me with barely contained hostility because they just plain didn’t like that I was there. Yeah, I came across that too.

I’ve known people that were black, Asian, Indian (from India) and some of the most bigoted racists I’ve ever met. Yes, I’ve known my share of white racists too, but it’s not just a white thing. So, why? Why, after so many years of struggle, are we still holding onto this junk?

Well, for some it’s because they just can’t let go of the past. For others, it’s because they’ve overcompensated and gone from being the oppressed to the hardcore “I’m (place ethnicity here)! Suck it!” types. For people of more recent generations respect for their heritage has become a sense of entitlement- like everyone owes them something because of the hardships their ancestors went through. In a lot of ways it’s because of the things I talked about in the previous section- we’re hypersensitive and quick to take offense, even if offense isn’t intended.

For example, a few years ago I was overseeing a summer camp at my church, and during a service one morning the camp director was talking to the kids and saw that a bunch of them had their shoes up on the church pews even though she’d asked them several times already not to do that because it’d get them dirty. As a joke and to prove a point, she said “You wouldn’t like it if people put their dirty feet all over your stuff would you?” so she slid off her sandal and put her foot lightly on the kid’s head. Everyone laughed, including the little girl, and it was no big deal…

Well, it shouldn’t have been.

About two hours later I got called into the pastor’s office because apparently a few parents heard about it and got really upset. The event was taken completely out of context and it became an issue of “a white girl putting her foot on a little black girls head” and how disrespectful that is and blah blah blah. This poor girl who’d been director of the camp all summer was crying her eyes out because she never meant for it to be anything offensive. It was just a goofy thing she did to prove a point, yet it got blown up into this huge racial issue that was really quite ridiculous. All because these few parents- who weren’t even there- blew it way out of proportion. The funny thing is when I asked them if it had been one of our black councilors instead would they have had a problem with it, their response was no, and that they would have probably found it funny. Instead, because the councilor happened to be white, it became this huge issue that had the poor girl crying her eyes out and afraid that everyone would hate her and that she’d lose her job.

In the end, we all need to learn to let go. You go back far enough in history and you’ll find that every ethnicity or culture has done something pretty messed up to someone else. Humans, as a species, can be cruel, savage, and stupid. I think we’ve established that pretty well. Now, how about we give forgiving, trusting, and decent a shot? The United Nations recently changed their charter so that it now states that the term “race” will only be used to describe the human species, not to differentiate between ethnicities; because we’re all from the same race. There’s no “white race”, no “black race”. There’s just the human race. Personally, I think that’s a really good first step.

Apparently I Put the “Hip” in Hypocrisy

I’ve spent the last 10+ years of my life devoted to ministry in one form or another. I devoted my life to God just after my sixteenth birthday and literally that next weekend I was made a youth leader for our youth group- which ran about 160 or so then. A month or so after that our youth pastor took a pastor position at another church and the new guy came in a month or so later. That new guy was David Breechen. He came from a fairly long line of pastors and we instantly had a connection. He recognized the call I had on my life and took it upon himself to mentor me in the ways of the jedi…er…ministry.

A lame joke, sure, but it really did feel like that sometimes- mostly because I’m a huge dork.

I was working as a waiter for a BBQ joint and I was in the varsity band (Band Nerd!), both of which took up quite a bit of time. My friend Brennan and I also went with another member of the church to a low-security penal colony to work with a group of guys as volunteer chaplains. Basically we helped do church services for the inmates. When I wasn’t at work, at school, or in prison (Do you leave the light on after dark, boss?) I was at the church with David either acting as his assistant or as a youth leader.

David was the regional director for all the AG youth pastors so I helped him organize events, ghost wrote letters, watched and helped him plan out youth services, etc. Basically I was his personal assistant, and as I got older he gave me more and more responsibility. The one thing he didn’t do was let me operate in the spotlight. Not too many people knew what I was doing outside of the church staff, and David wanted it that way to both keep my ego in check (and I had quite a healthy ego) and for me to learn the most important lesson in leadership: in order to be a leader you have to be a servant. So I served up until I left home for Lee University when I was 20. I helped around in various ministries as I went to school with a Pastoral Ministry major until I finally landed my job with the church that I’ve talked about at length already.

I’m saying all this to put things into context. Not to sound arrogant, but for someone my age (28) I have a crap-ton of personal ministry experience. In the last ten years I’ve experienced more than a lot of full time ministers have in that same amount of time- mostly due to me being flypaper for psychos. In that time my personal belief structure, just like my relationship with God, has changed. It’s grown, morphed, adjusted with every experience, every new nugget of truth I’ve managed to gleam from things- just as it should. If you aren’t learning and growing then what’s the point, right?

Well, recently my Aunt, half jokingly, said she thought I was a hypocrite because I didn’t do all the things that she thought a minister should do, or how a minister should act, or speak, or blow their nose or whatever. Understandably, that bothered me. After all the time I’ve spent devoted to helping other people and here I was being judged by someone for not acting like the kind of  uptight jerk that turned my Aunt off to church in the first place.

The word “hypocrite” gets thrown around an awful lot, but what exactly makes someone a hypocrite? According to Webster’s trusty dictionary it’s “a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings”. Now the problem I have with people throwing around the term “hypocrite”, especially when it’s directed at me, is how exactly does anyone know what my (or anyone else’s) personal feelings or beliefs are if I they haven’t been stated? I don’t care who you are, what your credentials, or what your personal religion or denomination is- everyone believes something different.

Everyone.

Our beliefs and feelings are determined by our own experiences. Everyone’s experiences are different. You may have a core set of values, beliefs or whatever that is similar to others, but no one believes absolutely the same thing. I know that I sure don’t. Am I a licensed minister? Yes, I am. Am I like every other minister? No, I’m not, and I’m proud of it. There are aspects of “Christianity” that I just don’t buy into wholeheartedly. They are things that, through the course of my experiences and from my personal spiritual growth with God, I’ve found are either severely lacking, ridiculous, or are just outright wrong to some degree.

I still believe in what (some) people would consider the most important staples, but I also believe that the universe is freaking huge and there’s a crap-ton of stuff out there that we don’t understand or even are very aware of- especially spiritually. As such it’s shifted my thinking in a lot of areas and in ways that some of my more conservative brethren would get their panties in a knot over.

I’m not the only one. There is a friend of mine who’s been a pastor for well over 25 years that has come to a lot of the same conclusions I have about a lot of stuff- only he couldn’t talk about it openly with many people for the very reason I’m talking about now: people would brand him a hypocrite, or worse. That’s sad, really. God had shown him so much, but he feels like he can’t share it with the people he’s supposed to be teaching because it’d be outside their comfort zones and they’d refuse to listen.

So what’s the point? The point is if you’re not constantly reevaluating where you are, what you believe, & how you feel then you’re missing something. It’s very easy to live in a safe little bubble- especially when it comes to spirituality. But if you really want to know the truth, you’re going to have to step outside that bubble and start asking some questions. The first step is realizing and admitting that you need to, because everything you think you know may not be what’s really going on. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that it’s not. God is larger than all of us. He’s so big that we’d never be able to understand everything about Him or this vast creation He’s made. But you’ll never get past that first slope on the mountain if you never get out of the freaking S.U.V. I’m trying and if that makes me a hypocrite then feel free to brand me. I’d rather be considered a hypocrite than a willfully ignorant zealot.

No New Chapter This Week

No new Down with the Thickness this week. I’ve got a bunch of things going on so I’m taking this week off. I’ll pick back up again next week. For those of you who may have fallen behind or haven’t had a chance to check it out yet, now you can get caught up!

Chapter 7: The Two Key Elements In Life

Get Your Relations On

I’m going to change it up this week and wax philosophical a bit, so bear with me. If you asked the kids from my youth group what my favorite word was, they’d all say together in a very bored monotone: relationship. I harped on that all the time. Everything important in life can be summed up with that single word: Relationship. More specifically, your relationship in three areas: Your relationship with God (or whatever other spiritual thing you want to put here); your relationship with yourself; and your relationship with other people.

1. Relationship With God

Author’s Note:  Given the nature of my background I’m going to discuss this section from a Judeo-Christian standpoint, but I think the general gist applies regardless of the religion/spiritual belief system you happen to believe in and/or practice.

All the religion/church crap goes away when you focus on your relationship with God. The closer you are to the source, the more at peace you are spiritually and the more the nagging questions about life, religion, etc. is revealed to you. Relationship with God is all that really matters, when it comes to spirituality. Everything else is a byproduct of that relationship and how much time/energy you invest into it. It’s the biblical “Ask, seek, knock.” principle. Seek the truth, seek the face of God, and as you mature you’ll learn and grow and things start to make more sense…well as much as we’re able to understand and make out anyway. When you’re in a close relationship with God choices become clearer. Right and wrong seems a little more black and white, and a little less grey. It’s actually pretty groovy.

One of the problems with most religions today, but in particular Christian denominations, is they get so bogged down with the technicalities of things and have become more like the teachers of the law that Jesus got ticked at. I have a news flash that may be hard for some to take at first: scripture, regardless of belief, isn’t God. I’ll let that sink in for a second. Sure, you can argue that it’s “the Word of God” etc. I’m not going to get into that debate. But the problem is everyone interprets what scripture says differently.

There are over 9,000 different Christian denominations in the world. Over 700 of them are in the U.S. alone. Seven. Hundred. Each and every one of them considers themselves Christians, yet none of them completely agree with one another. And we wonder why people can’t see the “truth” about God? We can’t even see the truth for ourselves. You can quote scripture to me all day long, but it’s not about the words, but the context, intent, and the meaning behind the words that matter. The only way you’ll ever get that is not only from research and study, but in having a close relationship with the One who came up with the idea in the first place. Indoctrination isn’t a path to the truth. I firmly believe that if you really want to find the truth, and you do so with an open mind and an open heart, you’ll find it. It may be a lifelong process, but what do you know, life is a lifelong process too. Funny how that works.

2. Relationship With Yourself

You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like you! Seriously, it’s all but impossible to accomplish much in life if you don’t have a good relationship with yourself. If you and you are constantly fighting and hating each other, it’s kind of hard to get ahead without that strife coming in screwing things up. At the very least you won’t be nearly as effective in the other areas of your life; at the worst you’ll be suicidal, wearing the latest in straight-jacket trends, and locked up in the nut farm.

How you feel about you has a direct impact on the other two relational areas. Low self esteem, emotional issues, etc. can hinder your relationship with other people (because, honestly, if you don’t like you why the freak would other people?) and it can even drastically affect your relationship with God. How so? Well, if you don’t trust yourself, it’s a little hard to trust what you’re hearing from God (or whatever), isn’t it? Everything that happens to you- all your perceptions of the world, both physical and spiritual, is tainted by the rose colored glasses of your self-image. So yeah, your relationship with yourself is important. Treat yourself nice.

3. Relationship With Others

Which brings us to your relationship with others. This includes your friends, family, people you work with, that creepy guy on the corner that always gives you the stink eye when you walk by- everyone. If the importance of your relationship with others isn’t readily apparent to you, then you probably have some serious issues you need to work out in the previous section. The last two sections cover your spiritual and mental/emotional worlds. Your relationship to other people basically defines your physical world. Who do you spend time around? How stressed are you at work? How’s your home life? Do you want to strangle your wife? Yeah, all pretty world defining.

Life is Balance

The second of the “two key elements” I mentioned in the title is balance. All three relational areas directly affect the others and sum up who you are and what your life is like. The key to that is to find balance between the three, because if you’re out of balance in any of the areas (which we all are to some degree) things start to get a little hectic.

For example: What could be wrong with being totally focused on your relationship with God? That should be a great thing, right? Well, sure. But the problem is this- if you focus completely on God and neglect the other two areas you basically become a mindless zealot that lives on a deserted island living off of coconuts and grass (or blowing innocent people up on a bus). God gave us free will, which means He wants us to use it. He doesn’t want mindless zealots. He wants people that think for themselves and choose to serve Him/have a relationship with Him because we want to. This may be hard for some people to hear, but if you’re completely and totally dependent on your relationship with God to define who you are as a person then you’re no longer doing what God wants you to do. You aren’t choosing Him because you love Him and want to, you’re choosing Him because you have to, because it’s all you’ve got. You’ve become like a junkie that needs a fix to get by.

Balance.

Not to mention the other half of the equation when it comes to relationship with God- He tells us to go out and tell other about Him, right? We’re all supposed to be ministers for Him, right? Well, it’s kind of hard to minister to people when you can’t relate to them or haven’t earned the right to be heard (remember that?). Hence the reason why most non-believers (and even some believers) can’t stand the overly-religious people who do nothing but go door knocking and live in repressed lifestyles. They have the personality of an overbearing badger and can’t relate AT ALL to anything most people are going through in their lives because they’re living in their own religious fantasy world. Why should I listen to what you have to say when you come off, and maybe even live, as a crazy space cadet? You can’t be an effective minister if you can’t relate to other people and talk to them where they’re at- you know, the way that guy with the beard did. I’m pretty sure his name was Jesus.

Balance.

You focus too much on your relationship with yourself and it’s easy to become self-absorbed, which hinders your relationship with God (pride cometh before a fall, after all); and you hinder your relationship with others because you come off as a complete douche who doesn’t give a crap about anyone but themselves.

Balance.

You focus too much on your relationship with others you become a co-dependent leech. Your life instantly becomes defined by what others think, feel, eat, etc. You become a slave to others and a friend to none. Your relationship with God suffers because you’re basically worshipping other people. Your relationship with yourself suffers because your own personality wilts and dies as it becomes a carbon copy of whomever you’ve latched yourself to at the time. Other people will either use/abuse you, or just be repulsed/annoyed with you. Either way, you’re not exactly the life of the party.

Balance.

If you manage to find the balance point between the three areas (or as close as you can) that’s when life starts to work out. You’ll still have problems, of course. But it’s easier to deal with those problems when you’ve got confidence in yourself, along with a strong relationship with God and friends/family to help you through.

Relationship. Balance. That’s all there is to it. It’s finding the balance that’s the challenge, and something that you’ll strive to do your whole life; but knowing is half the battle. Go Joe!